“I’ve been changing like the seasons / Can’t get no sympathy for my demons
I’ve got plenty of scars to show / From all of the many wrong roads.” – my song, Home
When my brother passed away the year before last, I felt compelled to speak at his funeral. I am a writer obviously, but because of the spiritual limbo I was in, it was important to me to share a message about what life and death had taught me. It was unconventional because, of course, we were there to honor him. But, I’ve lost both my brothers now, and I know that Patrick would have wanted me to do what my heart felt called to do.
It was an enlightening perspective that a healer I worked with a while back had bestowed upon me. I had a history of reliving abandonment by attracting it to me through my interpersonal relationships—more specifically romantic ones. Control has been a life long lesson. Just like all of us, I’ve had many things stripped away from me to be reminded that I do not control the greater plan—much of which happened through tragic and traumatic circumstances. I’ve learned the long, hard way about relinquishing control through surrender, and where my real power actually lies—within.
What this healer brought to my awareness was—I aligned with the sides of people that triggered my wounds and allowed it to dictate how I interacted with them. This was an unconscious form of control. We all have our baggage, and my baggage was creating a superiority over others’ baggage. I became vulnerable through the behaviors that made me afraid and pushed them away. I self-sabotaged, so essentially, it was over before it even began.
My motto was along the lines of—in that condition, you are unlovable, because I can not deal with you like that.
What I’ve had to learn to do is reframe overtime—that’s a version of you that I don’t want to line up with, so I’m going to line up with this version of you.
Perpetuating a vibration of what I want and lining up with one’s highest version, instead of a version I want to fix.
Our minds are powerful, yes, and it is important to be mindful of what is going on with our thoughts, because our thoughts create feelings. Really though, our emotional state of being (our hearts) is actually the most powerful of all. Our emotions create vibration, and there is a momentum generated by our vibration. (*This was my prior attempt to explain the importance of having a high vibration to create the reality you want.)
The feeling generates a momentum of vibration that goes out, bringing back its match. We know like attracts like. I had a habit of manifesting the same story, different face, because I was allowing my wounds to align with the unwanted versions of people, rather than their highest versions.
We are all divine beings; we are also all human. But, what this healer offered to me was to integrate the unconditional side of myself so that I could become “one” with the conditions of others. We don’t have to self-sacrifice to accept people as their total imperfect selves. We assimilate what works in our lives through healthy boundaries.
I spoke about this newfound understanding of “conditions” at my brothers funeral, because when someone dies, the conditions of their reality here in the physical plane all of the sudden mean nothing to us. My father spoke about all the wonderful attributes of my brother for the sake of memory. I wanted to share the awareness that these wonderful memories are exactly what we remember when our physical selves go and the beauty of our spirit remains. His flaws became irrelevant as he transitioned to the other side. So, why do we hold each other hostage to our humanity so much here in the now?
My intention to share this was in hopes that on behalf of my brother’s life, we could all then appreciate the preciousness of life… a little bit more. And, not only life but each other—our connection as divine equals.
The truth behind the vulnerability of my wounds was abandonment. I was looking for a feeling of “home,” but I was looking in all the wrong places. The heart is where home is. Learning to understand our wounds of the past helps us to be more conscious when creating our realities now.
I later wrote a song called “Home” that was inspired by this conversation about looking everywhere for this feeling… this feeling of home. When really, just like Glinda the Good Witch once said,
“You‘ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”
The WILD CARD pick is from the Chakra Insight Oracle deck:
The color purple is associated with the Third Eye Chakra that rules our spiritual paths and highest selves.
Reflect on areas where your wounds may be dictating your life. How can you integrate your unconditional side without sacrificing your boundaries? Where can you set stronger, healthier boundaries? Where can you forgive and have more compassion? Remind yourself that we are all divine, yet, we are all very much human. See the purest form in others and set an intention to align with that version of them.
We’ve all heard it before—if you are living with a grudge towards someone, how would you feel if they were gone tomorrow? The unconditional side of you knows…the answer is where the heart is.
Follow my newsletter for more Wild Card picks <3