Who Am I? When You Take It All Away…

I’m trying to find myself

When you take it all away

My heart fought for heaven’s wrought

My soul can never ever be bought

But I sure as hell can give it away

What if to discover our “destiny” we must first accept mediocrity? And, no I don’t mean to sway from excellence. But, if we are always preoccupied with some other time and space — how can we be of excellence now if we can’t be here NOW? What if hanging up a drive for greatness  is how we align with the very things we ultimately seek—love, peace, joy?

There’s nothing more sobering than sitting across from the lifeless body of a loved one to say goodbye, as an epiphany ensues from the old adage — it’s not what we did, but rather how much we loved.

After almost ten years of pursuing a vision, one of which propelled me past the turmoil of my entire adolescence — to go on to lose both of my brothers by the time I’d reached thirty — my lens around “purpose” was transformed beyond measure.

The city had always represented the world condensed into this fold out pocket of opportunities. The rapid pace, the diversity, show business — I was mesmerized. Eventually after a decade of clawing my way through it — from green Alabama girl — to a wiser, maybe even a little colder, but nonetheless hard-earned city woman — I‘d grown tired… very tired, actually. What were grounds for permission “to be,” enclosed into a suffocating bubble. Eventually, it came to a point where I needed to walk away because of my fears around what it meant if I didn’t stay. I knew the very thing I had to do was, in fact, risk it all — to know that nothing outside of me determines my worth or purpose — to be brave enough to discover who I am when it’s taken all away…

My musical identity pretty much was already demolished, but following my last brother’s death, changes within me continued to accelerate at rapid speed. I began seeking to understand who I am without the external dependencies. I will always be an artist, but it was time to discover who I am without something I had “created.” The rise and demise of my identity intrigued because of how there was real power in it for so long, in my power to create. However, as life moved, I was confronted by the divine creative force — the ultimate artist — in a larger way. As I surrendered to the recognition of life and myself as products of this force—everything— including creativity itself, began to take on newer meaning.

So, I let go of the plan/destiny I thought defined my life and truly opened myself up to whatever it is the ultimate artist designed for me. I surrendered while remembering—

You know what, you’re right, I don’t know shit. You created me after all. This may have been my vision and the truth of who I know myself to be, but I’m ready to open myself up to infinite possibilities. I am a vessel for your expression. These gifts, you gave me. Who am I to say what is supposed to be done with them? They can be taken away, after all. 

None of it is truly ours. Anything outside of us is a false sense of security. We are here to co-create and yes, this is where will comes in. This is not about manipulating vibration to have “abundance” and fan the flame of our ego’s desires. Often intention can be misplaced, rooted in needing more to feel complete. Peace will never come as a result of obtaining. I believed my vision needed to be achieved because then its existence would validate that I made it happen — “I did it.” But this separation from the ultimate creator means somewhere down the line I’d likely step into the hole of wondering what’s still missing.

What I want to offer is this— for one, I became  too attached to my gift—and also, entitled to its rewards. A gift is just that — something given. I was blessed enough to receive, but the reality is gifts can be taken away. And so, then what? Now who am I? If we can start living life from this perspective, we can accept ourselves as co-creators. We can accept our mortal limitations and surrender to the thing that bestowed these gifts. In doing so, you give the ultimate artist the chance to guide you to your destiny.

Love Hangovers: The Truth About “Closure”

Love Hangovers: The Truth About “Closure”

So many of us experience a hangover with lovers. I refer to it as a hangover because it is akin to one—a hell of an experience—one that we must power through but ultimately will pass. Hangover dysphoria with alcohol is from the depressant component interfering with our internal rhythms; it creates loads of anxiety. There is a similar experience when we form attachments to people—withdrawals create weird after-effects where we convince ourselves we need “closure” in whatever capacity to feel better. How we actually seek closure, even if it is just a mental scroll of ideas, perpetuates the suffering and discontent. We struggle with our emotions surrounding the situation—feeling rejected/abandoned, disillusioned, sometimes used, confused, or feeling as though we cared more than the other person did (if they even cared at all, we balk). Sometimes it is merely a power struggle, needing to have the “upper hand” or the last word—also exposing that ego is running the show and not gonna get us anywhere. When there is a breakdown, it is common to go into control mode, needing to control the outcome (by unconsciously attempting to control the other person), and we cloak this in the idea of closure.

I’ve always believed that closure is an illusion and is something we have to provide for ourselves. If we are fortunate later on, the closure we thought we needed usually transpires as a result of having done so… for ourselves… with time. And if it doesn’t ever arrive, then the good news is we were already well on our path of moving on and had distanced ourselves from the pain of the past—by closing it within ourselves.

When we are experiencing withdrawals from a lust hangover, the suffering is usually a result of an attachment that has spun out where the only way out of it is to change. It is a clear indication that our attachment has reached a level of toxicity, regardless if any of the mental sparrings are true or not. It is a representation that we are seeking outside of ourselves to alleviate and make the ick go away. When we feel a sense of loss or feel out of control, rejected, confused, and or frustrated—it’s a sign we’ve turned to the wrong outlet to make ourselves feel better. We’ve based our needs on a person outside of us, and whether or not we will feel better becomes dependent on their actions. This is an obvious recipe for disaster, yet we so often fail to recognize this and don’t take the proper steps to get out of this space of toxicity and back into a space of love that is fed to us by our creator. *(check out my guide to meditation for self-love breakthroughs). 

Some things I’d like to offer to those experiencing such uncomfortable moments—

Obsessing and over-analyzing or rehashing the narrative over and over—trying to find some new piece of information as reasoning to make ourselves feel better—is only going to perpetuate the momentum of negative energy that exists in our space. It is important to clear out this energy so we can ground back into our own energy that is washed over by unconditional, divine love. 

Some different things to try to transform the energy—

  • Write a letter. Say any and every little thought that you want. Speak as though it was going to be the last thing you will ever say. Say a prayer and terminate the letter in whatever way resonates for you—burn it, freeze it, tear it up. 
  • Be present in nature, feel the world around you and ground beneath you, notice animals (these can be messengers), take in the sounds.
  • Clear clutter, get rid of shit, burn palo santo or sage your space, and your personal space as well (your body). 
  • Cleanse your energy, take a bath with Epsom salt and water-friendly crystals or pink Himalayan salt.
  • Make a plan/create a self-care regime. Putting the energy back into YOU is how we attract what serves for our highest good.
  • Dance—literally move energy—this one doesn’t resonate for everyone. If you fall into the clan of more modest folks, or hey, maybe you’re just not into dancing, but sometimes opening ourselves up to something new is exactly the attitude the universe is looking for. I danced my whole life and just recently I’ve been walking over to a court that is not often frequented just to let loose. This grounds me in my body and connects me to my creative energy.
  • Speaking of…. Try something new. Learn a new skill, take up that new activity or practice you’ve been going on about but haven’t yet done.
  • Keep yourself busy, but not repressed—hang with supportive friends, read a book, go to a yoga class—keep vibration raised. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings because they tell us a deeper story, but make note that we can also become addicted to the story. Be aware of this tendency.
  • Find a crystal to support you in the process of releasing and healing

*I love to ask my higher self to pull a card for what crystal serves in my highest interest at the moment. My favorite crystal deck

  • Light a candle, set an intention, pray, chant mantras. Pray to be changed. Offer this pain to the force that created you. Ask to be changed in trusting that its source is the ultimate source of abundance.                          

*Check out these amazing intention candles with all kinds of different themes from House of Intuition in Los Angeles.

  • Remember the bread crumb rule — every time your mind wants to veer off to those nostalgic good times, don’t forget how we settled for less than we deserve
  • Cultivate a vision of your highest version and who would be in your space as a result. Most importantly, envision the FEELINGS you want to specifically experience with that person(s).
  • Try a session with me — an energy reading & guidance for learning to understand yourself as a spiritual being. 

Be Mind-LESS: Guidance for Spiritual Breakthroughs

Be Mind-LESS: Guidance for Spiritual Breakthroughs
Skip to Booklet & Booklet Audio

Audio version of Introduction ^

Introduction 

What I want to share with you all is a path I’ve discovered to peace. It is about understanding ourselves as spiritual beings and learning to live from that space. To dismantle our prior way of existing through the power of the mind, we must begin to distinguish the difference of the mind from the voice of the soul. We allow ourselves to stand back from the mind so we can acknowledge its instrumental influence on the totality of our lives, up until this point. From this point on—we have the choice of will to open ourselves up to greater possibilities. How I’ve discovered to experience this is by giving our spirit the keys to be the driver. 

I want to normalize our spiritual selves so that we can integrate it into our everyday reality, without the pressures and failings to live up to perfection. It’s not about being this pure, has-it-all-together nonexistent beingThe way I want to depict spirituality is for those everyday people that work so hard, don’t believe they have time for this, yet still find themselves on their knees pleading for change, believing it’s all on them to resolve. Or, for those that seemingly “have it all,” yet still feel something is profoundly missing. For those struggling to validate themselves and looking everywhere but inside to discover their worth. For those of us that have hit a point in the road where we begin to see that the ego can only give us so much, and so—still we seek… 

None of which I have to offer is new information/concepts or strikingly original. But, what I’ve come to realize is, even with all of the information available and readily accessible, there are still questions being asked. So, then let’s keep having the conversation.

The key to peace and learning to live life without conditions of the mind.

In order to become this, we must first learn to love ourselves so much that nothing outside of us affects this. Now, that’s a tall order. Is it, though? The question is how do we actually learn to love ourselves on this level? There are many techniques and practices people use/do to cultivate a greater relationship with their inner selves, and that’s a beautiful thing. Finding what resonates with you to support this journey is paramount. But, what I want to offer is a fundamental foundation of returning to the source of love that gave us life to keep breeding life. Through our devotion to this force of love, we begin to see changes occur. When we understand ourselves as not only a product of this force but synonymous with it, we are united with its stream of abundance. As we lay back onto this stream, peace can restore as we sit in the truth that all is exactly as it should be. When we are in alignment we are reminded that Mother Nature is our mother—we are her creations and we are all bound to the same force.

In order to be one with conditions outside of ourselves and to live a life not dependent on these, we must release attachments to what we THINK will fill up our cup. We fill up our cup by turning to, not against, the force of love that created us and learn to develop an intimate relationship with it. I don’t brush my teeth once a month and expect to maintain dental hygiene. And, how many times do you brush your teeth a day? I want to reiterate this point because my belief is the shift occurs when we prioritize our spiritual health just as frequently as our physical, emotional, and mental health. We must start to integrate a practice to exercise our spiritual muscles—flex and strengthen them—so that we can recognize its voice over all voices of the mind. Some people need a gym to go to in order to hold themselves accountable for a workout, well imagine the same for a spiritual gym. The static noise that comes from a lifetime of self-sabotaging habits is a lot to silence and disarm. It takes time, practice, and discipline. Not only do we have our own voices to contend with, but those have been plagued by other voices—from our families, genetic codes, communities, cultures, so on and so on. Beliefs and scripts that we’ve lived off of for so long dominate our existences. If we are open and willing to walk a spiritual path, then we can hand over the reins and take a break from figuring it all out. But this means we are also willing to surrender the ego’s desires, attachments, beliefs, dreams to the unknown. We learn to float amongst the divine current trusting she will align us with that which is for the highest good.

Through meditation and prayer, we can start to click into a state of consciousness that allows us to see the divine’s source as an infinite supply of unconditional love always available to us. As we continue on with our daily lives and the world evolves around us—the mind wants to grow strong and take over again as we juggle the combat. But, as we seemingly “lose” spiritual strength, we have prior enlightenment that this treasure trove of love is always there to turn to if we lose our way or believe we’ve lost ground. The treasure trove is our amulet of power to thrust us right back into the present moment. The present moment allows us to see that the treasure trove is even available. It gifts us the worldly reality of the otherworldly. All of the illusions and projections of the mind suddenly lose strength, and the voice of the soul awakens us to our being, existing as a presence of love.

The way I’ve come to see it is that the greatest medicine and discipline to maintain this spiritual agility and strength is indeed through meditation and prayer. I want to offer some practical application for those of us (which are most of us) that make self-sabotaging excuses to keep us held back—where we argue from our own limitations. But, when we call in our creator, limitations are irrelevant because we recognize—it doesn’t have to be all on us. 

This introduction is a synopsis to a larger body of work. 
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Check out the Guidance Booklet and listen to audio version—

Cocina Sessions: Hard Place (H.E.R.)

Cocina Sessions: Hard Place (H.E.R.)

“I’ve updated this, which I’d posted a wk or so ago. My friend, in true Sagittarius form—blunt but still with unwavering loyalty—informed me the sound was shit and she preferred it when I sang it live in a video. Preferred a video over the Yeti? Damn, it really has been a long time…

After my brother passed I stopped singing for a while. I’m a pretty bad instrumentalist, but sitting at the piano transformed a lot of that energy. But I did not sing. It’s been about that long since I’ve plugged in my Yeti mic. I never enjoyed producing music, but I’ve forgotten how much I love producing and mixing vocals. So, after my friend said the sound sucked, I played around with it a bit more to relearn some thangs and now she approves. She’s been my die-hard since I first played for her, so I value her opinion greatly, that’s all. I hope you enjoy it too. It was being so inspired by another artist’s words and music that I was able to plug-in again ( Gracias, H.E.R.). I recorded it—en mi cocina—just the #Yeti, shitty guitar playing, y los sonidos de Oaxaca. :)”

The HEART is Where Home is. (wild card pick)

The HEART is Where Home is.                 (wild card pick)

IMG_20190129_123809
Chakra Oracle Insight deck

“I’ve been changing like the seasons / Can’t get no sympathy for my demons

I’ve got plenty of scars to show / From all of the many wrong roads.”  – my song, Home

When my brother passed away the year before last, I felt compelled to speak at his funeral. I am a writer obviously, but because of the spiritual limbo I was in, it was important to me to share a message about what life and death had taught me. It was unconventional because, of course, we were there to honor him. But, I’ve lost both my brothers now, and I know that Patrick would have wanted me to do what my heart felt called to do.

It was an enlightening perspective that a healer I worked with a while back had bestowed upon me. I had a history of reliving abandonment by attracting it to me through my interpersonal relationships—more specifically romantic ones. Control has been a life long lesson. Just like all of us, I’ve had many things stripped away from me to be reminded that I do not control the greater plan—much of which happened through tragic and traumatic circumstances. I’ve learned the long, hard way about relinquishing control through surrender, and where my real power actually lies—within.

What this healer brought to my awareness was—I aligned with the sides of people that triggered my wounds and allowed it to dictate how I interacted with them. This was an unconscious form of control. We all have our baggage, and my baggage was creating a superiority over others’ baggage. I became vulnerable through the behaviors that made me afraid and pushed them away. I self-sabotaged, so essentially, it was over before it even began.

My motto was along the lines of—in that condition, you are unlovable, because I can not deal with you like that.

What I’ve had to learn to do is reframe overtime—that’s a version of you that I don’t want to line up with, so I’m going to line up with this version of you.

Perpetuating a vibration of what I want and lining up with one’s highest version, instead of a version I want to fix.

Our minds are powerful, yes, and it is important to be mindful of what is going on with our thoughts, because our thoughts create feelings. Really though, our emotional state of being (our hearts) is actually the most powerful of all. Our emotions create vibration, and there is a momentum generated by our vibration. (*This was my prior attempt to explain the importance of having a high vibration to create the reality you want.)

The feeling generates a momentum of vibration that goes out, bringing back its match. We know like attracts like. I had a habit of manifesting the same story, different face, because I was allowing my wounds to align with the unwanted versions of people, rather than their highest versions.

We are all divine beings; we are also all human. But, what this healer offered to me was to integrate the unconditional side of myself so that I could become “one” with the conditions of others. We don’t have to self-sacrifice to accept people as their total imperfect selves. We assimilate what works in our lives through healthy boundaries.

I spoke about this newfound understanding of “conditions” at my brothers funeral, because when someone dies, the conditions of their reality here in the physical plane all of the sudden mean nothing to us. My father spoke about all the wonderful attributes of my brother for the sake of memory. I wanted to share the awareness that these wonderful memories are exactly what we remember when our physical selves go and the beauty of our spirit remains. His flaws became irrelevant as he transitioned to the other side. So, why do we hold each other hostage to our humanity so much here in the now?

My intention to share this was in hopes that on behalf of my brother’s life, we could all then appreciate the preciousness of life… a little bit more. And, not only life but each other—our connection as divine equals.

The truth behind the vulnerability of my wounds was abandonment. I was looking for a feeling of “home,” but I was looking in all the wrong places. The heart is where home is. Learning to understand our wounds of the past helps us to be more conscious when creating our realities now.

 

I later wrote a song called “Home” that was inspired by this conversation about looking everywhere for this feeling… this feeling of home. When really, just like Glinda the Good Witch once said,

 

You‘ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”

The WILD CARD pick is from the Chakra Insight Oracle deck:

INSIGHT

The color purple is associated with the Third Eye Chakra that rules our spiritual paths and highest selves.

Reflect on areas where your wounds may be dictating your life. How can you integrate your unconditional side without sacrificing your boundaries? Where can you set stronger, healthier boundaries? Where can you forgive and have more compassion? Remind yourself that we are all divine, yet, we are all very much human. See the purest form in others and set an intention to align with that version of them.

We’ve all heard it before—if you are living with a grudge towards someone, how would you feel if they were gone tomorrow? The unconditional side of you knows…the answer is where the heart is.

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WIDE OPEN. (Wild Card pick)

WIDE OPEN. (Wild Card pick)

Liquid Crystal Oracle

Spent too much of my life, livin’ in the dark

‘Til you made me see I’d rather be livin’, than not livin’ at all

Sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith, but you know it’s all we’ve got

Better to let love take over than to be afraid to fall

‘Cuz I have learned a thing or two, from you

If I let your love in my heart, it’s gonna carry us through

and if we are all just mirrors, I wanna be more like you,

I wanna be wide open, with you

I am about as Plutonian as they come; I’ve always had an undertow of intensity. I also lived much of my life with massive walls. Of course, this was a means of control. It was easier to keep everyone at bay than it was to do the work necessary to heal my heart. Experiencing a tremendous amount of pain meant doing whatever it took to prevent more pain. Of course, this actually caused me more pain.

I was fortunate through a series of events to have hit a crisis period in my twenties that woke me up to see that my fear of intimacy was at the root of much of my chaos. Pretty much everything was a means of control. When trying to control we close ourselves off from the blessings of the divine. I began the uncomfortable process of change and healing by doing the work to face my pain and to learn about building healthy boundaries as a means of keeping myself safe.

I am a survivor of abuse and I’ve used abused dogs as an analogy many times to give insight behind the walls of a survivor. Imagine how timid a dog is that has been rescued and clearly mistreated. A dog can go years, sometimes forever, afraid of people or certain things/situations, and you are not going to get close if so. You can sense fear all around the dog and it will definitely remain in fight or flight mode, ready to fend or flee. It doesn’t know you! It doesn’t know what you’re capable of, alright! All it knows is what happened before.

Obviously, it’s the same for people. However, we have the intellectual capacity to recognize that in adulthood we have the power of choice. We get to choose who we are now in the present moment. We have the ability to rationalize and understand that we all operate off of our capacities—what we know by what has been modeled for us. Through this acknowledgment, we can ignite the current of forgiveness. We can forgive those that have hurt us or were bad examples. We can choose to develop the tools to honor our worth and protect our hearts—again, through healthy boundaries, not walls. We don’t have to keep our hearts closed, because we have the power to assimilate through self-trust.

I met a man in Bali that I experienced love at first sight with. He was so open emotionally that it was confusing to someone like me that had lived closed off for so long. Naturally, I made him my muse; he inspired the lyrics I wrote above. He mirrored to me at the time, what I wanted to be more like. I wanted to be completely wide open.

Coincidentally he was from Brasil.

Today’s WILD CARD pick is from the Liquid Crystal Oracle deck:

AMAZONITE

(The Middle Road)

Amazonite is derived from the Amazon River in South America.

The color green is associated with the Heart Chakra.

Set an intention to forgive the conditions of yourself and others by lining up with the unconditional. How can you open your heart just a little more, forgive, and grow? Consider how far you’ve come in your life and celebrate the middle road. If negative thoughts creep in, see it as a reflection of your humanity and use that as an opportunity to cut others some slack as well. We are all representations of God and through this understanding, we remain connected to our spiritual selves. Open your heart to see beyond judgments and dichotomies—yes/no, black/white, right/wrong. Allow yourself to see all the colors of life. Be brave enough to tear down walls and learn to live life… wide open.

“…[make] windows where there were once walls.” – Michel Foucault

I’d like to offer—try smiling or saying hi to everyone that walks by, at least for a day. Don’t give with an expectation to receive in return, do so because you are making an effort to open your heart. Trust that when you give love, it will come back to you in some form or another.

 

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Kill the Script, Write YOUR Story.

Kill the Script, Write YOUR Story.

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Denise Linn’s Native Spirit Oracle deck

I advise you to stop sharing your dreams with people who try to hold you back, even if they’re your parents. Because, if you’re the kind of person who senses there’s something out there for you beyond whatever it is you’re expected to do – if you want to be EXTRA-ordinary- you will not get there by hanging around a bunch of people who tell you you’re not extraordinary. Instead, you will probably become as ordinary as they expect you to be.” – Kelly Cutrone 

My entire life has been a journey to silence the noise and listen to my heart. I grew up in the south of the U.S. and I never quite fit in. Very early on, there was always a script it seemed one was to follow—college, job, marry, kids—and, there ya have it.

I wanted to tell my own story, not the script of my peers, nor the script that my family wanted for me—my own. I grew up in a privileged, cookie cutter community. My mother actually worked, unlike many of the PTA cheer moms, because lo and behold, I came from a divorced family. Not only did she have a job, but it was the source of survival. Like many heroic mothers, her sacrifices were for education, amongst the other usuals.

Oh, and we didn’t go to church.

Now, as a young girl, I felt tremendous pressure to meet the mold. I had our family become members of a church (non-denominational, but still). I would drag us to church because I felt so inadequate when my friends would share that their seemingly perfect families—both mom and dad included—would religiously go every Sundee. There was also the time I delusionally (and quite insanely) fantasized over this immaculate house that I wished was ours, as if my poor mother that already struggled enough to keep the lights on could ever dare dream to afford. Did I mention I was in elementary school? Needless to say, I was constantly concerned about creating in comparison to what everyone else had.

It wasn’t until I reached high school that I began to steer away from the projections of my community and start to realize I could give a shit less about any of it. The destined rebel heart began to pop at the seams and set itself on big city lights as an escape route. However, the path to get there would never be in silence. When I finally made it to California, still so many back home had something to say about the way I chose to live my life. Interestingly, when I left California to travel the world, I experienced the same. Even amongst my California folks, I often receive similar blank stares and mumbles in response to me expressing adoration for my life here in México.

Fortunately, traveling the world taught me a lot about ignorance, a lot about figurative noise, and a lot more humility about just living life and learning to find peace from within.

Wounds from the past I still contend with from time to time, claro. But, my life changed when I decided to say, PEACE OUT to the script that was outside of my control, to start writing my new story. And, to live a life that I declared as meaningful, with nothing to prove to anyone else.

Today’s Wild Card pick is in alignment with the Full Moon Eclipse in Leo. It is from the Native Spirit Oracle deck:

STORYTELLER

This card asks you to be the hero of your journey. You get to decide the interpretation of your story. If the old script does not serve, write the new one. Don’t let others tell you how it is to be told or what it means for you. Validate yourself by following your heart.

Are you living someone else’s script? Is your script filled with the voices of what everyone wants from you?

It takes a lot of courage to strike out and live your truth.

The light of the full moon never fails to reveal. In the sign of Leo, it’s the perfect landscape to be the star of your own show.

Go dazzle.

  

Happy Full Moon!

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