I’m trying to find myself
When you take it all away
My heart fought for heaven’s wrought
My soul can never ever be bought
But I sure as hell can give it away
What if to discover our “destiny” we must first accept mediocrity? And, no I don’t mean to sway from excellence. But, if we are always preoccupied with some other time and space — how can we be of excellence now if we can’t be here NOW? What if hanging up a drive for greatness is how we align with the very things we ultimately seek—love, peace, joy?
There’s nothing more sobering than sitting across from the lifeless body of a loved one to say goodbye, as an epiphany ensues from the old adage — it’s not what we did, but rather how much we loved.
After almost ten years of pursuing a vision, one of which propelled me past the turmoil of my entire adolescence — to go on to lose both of my brothers by the time I’d reached thirty — my lens around “purpose” was transformed beyond measure.
The city had always represented the world condensed into this fold out pocket of opportunities. The rapid pace, the diversity, show business — I was mesmerized. Eventually after a decade of clawing my way through it — from green Alabama girl — to a wiser, maybe even a little colder, but nonetheless hard-earned city woman — I‘d grown tired… very tired, actually. What were grounds for permission “to be,” enclosed into a suffocating bubble. Eventually, it came to a point where I needed to walk away because of my fears around what it meant if I didn’t stay. I knew the very thing I had to do was, in fact, risk it all — to know that nothing outside of me determines my worth or purpose — to be brave enough to discover who I am when it’s taken all away…
My musical identity pretty much was already demolished, but following my last brother’s death, changes within me continued to accelerate at rapid speed. I began seeking to understand who I am without the external dependencies. I will always be an artist, but it was time to discover who I am without something I had “created.” The rise and demise of my identity intrigued because of how there was real power in it for so long, in my power to create. However, as life moved, I was confronted by the divine creative force — the ultimate artist — in a larger way. As I surrendered to the recognition of life and myself as products of this force—everything— including creativity itself, began to take on newer meaning.
So, I let go of the plan/destiny I thought defined my life and truly opened myself up to whatever it is the ultimate artist designed for me. I surrendered while remembering—
You know what, you’re right, I don’t know shit. You created me after all. This may have been my vision and the truth of who I know myself to be, but I’m ready to open myself up to infinite possibilities. I am a vessel for your expression. These gifts, you gave me. Who am I to say what is supposed to be done with them? They can be taken away, after all.
None of it is truly ours. Anything outside of us is a false sense of security. We are here to co-create and yes, this is where will comes in. This is not about manipulating vibration to have “abundance” and fan the flame of our ego’s desires. Often intention can be misplaced, rooted in needing more to feel complete. Peace will never come as a result of obtaining. I believed my vision needed to be achieved because then its existence would validate that I made it happen — “I did it.” But this separation from the ultimate creator means somewhere down the line I’d likely step into the hole of wondering what’s still missing.
What I want to offer is this— for one, I became too attached to my gift—and also, entitled to its rewards. A gift is just that — something given. I was blessed enough to receive, but the reality is gifts can be taken away. And so, then what? Now who am I? If we can start living life from this perspective, we can accept ourselves as co-creators. We can accept our mortal limitations and surrender to the thing that bestowed these gifts. In doing so, you give the ultimate artist the chance to guide you to your destiny.