Letting Go of Relationships: How to Give Yourself Closure

Letting Go of Relationships: How to Give Yourself Closure

So many of us experience a hangover with lovers. I refer to it as a hangover because it is akin to one—a hell of an experience—one that we must power through but ultimately will pass. Hangover dysphoria with alcohol is from the depressant component interfering with our internal rhythms; it creates loads of anxiety. There is a similar experience when we form attachments to people—withdrawals create weird after-effects where we convince ourselves we need “closure” in whatever capacity to feel better. How we actually seek closure, even if it is just a mental scroll of ideas, perpetuates the suffering and discontent. We struggle with our emotions surrounding the situation—feeling rejected/abandoned, disillusioned, sometimes used, confused, or feeling as though we cared more than the other person did (if they even cared at all, we balk). Sometimes it is merely a power struggle, needing to have the “upper hand” or the last word—also exposing that ego is running the show and not gonna get us anywhere. When there is a breakdown, it is common to go into control mode, needing to control the outcome (by unconsciously attempting to control the other person), and we cloak this in the idea of closure.

I’ve always believed that closure is an illusion and is something we have to provide for ourselves. If we are fortunate later on, the closure we thought we needed usually transpires as a result of having done so… for ourselves… with time. And if it doesn’t ever arrive, then the good news is we were already well on our path of moving on and had distanced ourselves from the pain of the past—by closing it within ourselves.

When we are experiencing withdrawals from a lust hangover, the suffering is usually a result of an attachment that has spun out where the only way out of it is to change. It is a clear indication that our attachment has reached a level of toxicity, regardless if any of the mental sparrings are true or not. It is a representation that we are seeking outside of ourselves to alleviate and make the ick go away. When we feel a sense of loss or feel out of control, rejected, confused, and or frustrated—it’s a sign we’ve turned to the wrong outlet to make ourselves feel better. We’ve based our needs on a person outside of us, and whether or not we will feel better becomes dependent on their actions. This is an obvious recipe for disaster, yet we so often fail to recognize this and don’t take the proper steps to get out of this space of toxicity and back into a space of love that is fed to us by our creator. *(check out my guide to meditation for self-love breakthroughs). 

Some things I’d like to offer to those experiencing such uncomfortable moments—

Obsessing and over-analyzing or rehashing the narrative over and over—trying to find some new piece of information as reasoning to make ourselves feel better—is only going to perpetuate the momentum of negative energy that exists in our space. It is important to clear out this energy so we can ground back into our own energy that is washed over by unconditional, divine love. 

Some different things to try to transform the energy—

  • Write a letter. Say any and every little thought that you want. Speak as though it was going to be the last thing you will ever say. Say a prayer and terminate the letter in whatever way resonates for you—burn it, freeze it, tear it up. 
  • Be present in nature, feel the world around you and ground beneath you, notice animals (these can be messengers), take in the sounds.
  • Clear clutter, get rid of shit, burn palo santo or sage your space, and your personal space as well (your body). 
  • Cleanse your energy, take a bath with Epsom salt and water-friendly crystals or pink Himalayan salt.
  • Make a plan/create a self-care regime. Putting the energy back into YOU is how we attract what serves for our highest good.
  • Dance—literally move energy—this one doesn’t resonate for everyone. If you fall into the clan of more modest folks, or hey, maybe you’re just not into dancing, but sometimes opening ourselves up to something new is exactly the attitude the universe is looking for. I danced my whole life and just recently I’ve been walking over to a court that is not often frequented just to let loose. This grounds me in my body and connects me to my creative energy.
  • Speaking of…. Try something new. Learn a new skill, take up that new activity or practice you’ve been going on about but haven’t yet done.
  • Keep yourself busy, but not repressed—hang with supportive friends, read a book, go to a yoga class—keep vibration raised. It’s important to acknowledge your feelings because they tell us a deeper story, but make note that we can also become addicted to the story. Be aware of this tendency.
  • Find a crystal to support you in the process of releasing and healing

*I love to ask my higher self to pull a card for what crystal serves in my highest interest at the moment. My favorite crystal deck

  • Light a candle, set an intention, pray, chant mantras. Pray to be changed. Offer this pain to the force that created you. Ask to be changed in trusting that its source is the ultimate source of abundance.                          

*Check out these amazing intention candles with all kinds of different themes from House of Intuition in Los Angeles.

  • Remember the bread crumb rule — every time your mind wants to veer off to those nostalgic good times, don’t forget how we settled for less than we deserve
  • Cultivate a vision of your highest version and who would be in your space as a result. Most importantly, envision the FEELINGS you want to specifically experience with that person(s).
  • Try a session with me — an energy reading & guidance for learning to understand yourself as a spiritual being. 

Be Mind-LESS: Guidance for Spiritual Breakthroughs

Be Mind-LESS: Guidance for Spiritual Breakthroughs
Skip to Booklet & Booklet Audio

Audio version of Introduction ^

Introduction 

What I want to share with you all is a path I’ve discovered to peace. It is about understanding ourselves as spiritual beings and learning to live from that space. To dismantle our prior way of existing through the power of the mind, we must begin to distinguish the difference of the mind from the voice of the soul. We allow ourselves to stand back from the mind so we can acknowledge its instrumental influence on the totality of our lives, up until this point. From this point on—we have the choice of will to open ourselves up to greater possibilities. How I’ve discovered to experience this is by giving our spirit the keys to be the driver. 

I want to normalize our spiritual selves so that we can integrate it into our everyday reality, without the pressures and failings to live up to perfection. It’s not about being this pure, has-it-all-together nonexistent beingThe way I want to depict spirituality is for those everyday people that work so hard, don’t believe they have time for this, yet still find themselves on their knees pleading for change, believing it’s all on them to resolve. Or, for those that seemingly “have it all,” yet still feel something is profoundly missing. For those struggling to validate themselves and looking everywhere but inside to discover their worth. For those of us that have hit a point in the road where we begin to see that the ego can only give us so much, and so—still we seek… 

None of which I have to offer is new information/concepts or strikingly original. But, what I’ve come to realize is, even with all of the information available and readily accessible, there are still questions being asked. So, then let’s keep having the conversation.

The key to peace and learning to live life without conditions of the mind.

In order to become this, we must first learn to love ourselves so much that nothing outside of us affects this. Now, that’s a tall order. Is it, though? The question is how do we actually learn to love ourselves on this level? There are many techniques and practices people use/do to cultivate a greater relationship with their inner selves, and that’s a beautiful thing. Finding what resonates with you to support this journey is paramount. But, what I want to offer is a fundamental foundation of returning to the source of love that gave us life to keep breeding life. Through our devotion to this force of love, we begin to see changes occur. When we understand ourselves as not only a product of this force but synonymous with it, we are united with its stream of abundance. As we lay back onto this stream, peace can restore as we sit in the truth that all is exactly as it should be. When we are in alignment we are reminded that Mother Nature is our mother—we are her creations and we are all bound to the same force.

In order to be one with conditions outside of ourselves and to live a life not dependent on these, we must release attachments to what we THINK will fill up our cup. We fill up our cup by turning to, not against, the force of love that created us and learn to develop an intimate relationship with it. I don’t brush my teeth once a month and expect to maintain dental hygiene. And, how many times do you brush your teeth a day? I want to reiterate this point because my belief is the shift occurs when we prioritize our spiritual health just as frequently as our physical, emotional, and mental health. We must start to integrate a practice to exercise our spiritual muscles—flex and strengthen them—so that we can recognize its voice over all voices of the mind. Some people need a gym to go to in order to hold themselves accountable for a workout, well imagine the same for a spiritual gym. The static noise that comes from a lifetime of self-sabotaging habits is a lot to silence and disarm. It takes time, practice, and discipline. Not only do we have our own voices to contend with, but those have been plagued by other voices—from our families, genetic codes, communities, cultures, so on and so on. Beliefs and scripts that we’ve lived off of for so long dominate our existences. If we are open and willing to walk a spiritual path, then we can hand over the reins and take a break from figuring it all out. But this means we are also willing to surrender the ego’s desires, attachments, beliefs, dreams to the unknown. We learn to float amongst the divine current trusting she will align us with that which is for the highest good.

Through meditation and prayer, we can start to click into a state of consciousness that allows us to see the divine’s source as an infinite supply of unconditional love always available to us. As we continue on with our daily lives and the world evolves around us—the mind wants to grow strong and take over again as we juggle the combat. But, as we seemingly “lose” spiritual strength, we have prior enlightenment that this treasure trove of love is always there to turn to if we lose our way or believe we’ve lost ground. The treasure trove is our amulet of power to thrust us right back into the present moment. The present moment allows us to see that the treasure trove is even available. It gifts us the worldly reality of the otherworldly. All of the illusions and projections of the mind suddenly lose strength, and the voice of the soul awakens us to our being, existing as a presence of love.

The way I’ve come to see it is that the greatest medicine and discipline to maintain this spiritual agility and strength is indeed through meditation and prayer. I want to offer some practical application for those of us (which are most of us) that make self-sabotaging excuses to keep us held back—where we argue from our own limitations. But, when we call in our creator, limitations are irrelevant because we recognize—it doesn’t have to be all on us. 

This introduction is a synopsis to a larger body of work. 
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Check out the Guidance Booklet and listen to audio version—

The HEART is Where Home is. (wild card pick)

The HEART is Where Home is.                 (wild card pick)

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Chakra Oracle Insight deck

“I’ve been changing like the seasons / Can’t get no sympathy for my demons

I’ve got plenty of scars to show / From all of the many wrong roads.”  – my song, Home

When my brother passed away the year before last, I felt compelled to speak at his funeral. I am a writer obviously, but because of the spiritual limbo I was in, it was important to me to share a message about what life and death had taught me. It was unconventional because, of course, we were there to honor him. But, I’ve lost both my brothers now, and I know that Patrick would have wanted me to do what my heart felt called to do.

It was an enlightening perspective that a healer I worked with a while back had bestowed upon me. I had a history of reliving abandonment by attracting it to me through my interpersonal relationships—more specifically romantic ones. Control has been a life long lesson. Just like all of us, I’ve had many things stripped away from me to be reminded that I do not control the greater plan—much of which happened through tragic and traumatic circumstances. I’ve learned the long, hard way about relinquishing control through surrender, and where my real power actually lies—within.

What this healer brought to my awareness was—I aligned with the sides of people that triggered my wounds and allowed it to dictate how I interacted with them. This was an unconscious form of control. We all have our baggage, and my baggage was creating a superiority over others’ baggage. I became vulnerable through the behaviors that made me afraid and pushed them away. I self-sabotaged, so essentially, it was over before it even began.

My motto was along the lines of—in that condition, you are unlovable, because I can not deal with you like that.

What I’ve had to learn to do is reframe overtime—that’s a version of you that I don’t want to line up with, so I’m going to line up with this version of you.

Perpetuating a vibration of what I want and lining up with one’s highest version, instead of a version I want to fix.

Our minds are powerful, yes, and it is important to be mindful of what is going on with our thoughts, because our thoughts create feelings. Really though, our emotional state of being (our hearts) is actually the most powerful of all. Our emotions create vibration, and there is a momentum generated by our vibration. (*This was my prior attempt to explain the importance of having a high vibration to create the reality you want.)

The feeling generates a momentum of vibration that goes out, bringing back its match. We know like attracts like. I had a habit of manifesting the same story, different face, because I was allowing my wounds to align with the unwanted versions of people, rather than their highest versions.

We are all divine beings; we are also all human. But, what this healer offered to me was to integrate the unconditional side of myself so that I could become “one” with the conditions of others. We don’t have to self-sacrifice to accept people as their total imperfect selves. We assimilate what works in our lives through healthy boundaries.

I spoke about this newfound understanding of “conditions” at my brothers funeral, because when someone dies, the conditions of their reality here in the physical plane all of the sudden mean nothing to us. My father spoke about all the wonderful attributes of my brother for the sake of memory. I wanted to share the awareness that these wonderful memories are exactly what we remember when our physical selves go and the beauty of our spirit remains. His flaws became irrelevant as he transitioned to the other side. So, why do we hold each other hostage to our humanity so much here in the now?

My intention to share this was in hopes that on behalf of my brother’s life, we could all then appreciate the preciousness of life… a little bit more. And, not only life but each other—our connection as divine equals.

The truth behind the vulnerability of my wounds was abandonment. I was looking for a feeling of “home,” but I was looking in all the wrong places. The heart is where home is. Learning to understand our wounds of the past helps us to be more conscious when creating our realities now.

 

I later wrote a song called “Home” that was inspired by this conversation about looking everywhere for this feeling… this feeling of home. When really, just like Glinda the Good Witch once said,

 

You‘ve always had the power my dear, you just had to learn it for yourself.”

The WILD CARD pick is from the Chakra Insight Oracle deck:

INSIGHT

The color purple is associated with the Third Eye Chakra that rules our spiritual paths and highest selves.

Reflect on areas where your wounds may be dictating your life. How can you integrate your unconditional side without sacrificing your boundaries? Where can you set stronger, healthier boundaries? Where can you forgive and have more compassion? Remind yourself that we are all divine, yet, we are all very much human. See the purest form in others and set an intention to align with that version of them.

We’ve all heard it before—if you are living with a grudge towards someone, how would you feel if they were gone tomorrow? The unconditional side of you knows…the answer is where the heart is.

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WIDE OPEN. (Wild Card pick)

WIDE OPEN. (Wild Card pick)

Liquid Crystal Oracle

Spent too much of my life, livin’ in the dark

‘Til you made me see I’d rather be livin’, than not livin’ at all

Sometimes it’s hard to keep the faith, but you know it’s all we’ve got

Better to let love take over than to be afraid to fall

‘Cuz I have learned a thing or two, from you

If I let your love in my heart, it’s gonna carry us through

and if we are all just mirrors, I wanna be more like you,

I wanna be wide open, with you

I am about as Plutonian as they come; I’ve always had an undertow of intensity. I also lived much of my life with massive walls. Of course, this was a means of control. It was easier to keep everyone at bay than it was to do the work necessary to heal my heart. Experiencing a tremendous amount of pain meant doing whatever it took to prevent more pain. Of course, this actually caused me more pain.

I was fortunate through a series of events to have hit a crisis period in my twenties that woke me up to see that my fear of intimacy was at the root of much of my chaos. Pretty much everything was a means of control. When trying to control we close ourselves off from the blessings of the divine. I began the uncomfortable process of change and healing by doing the work to face my pain and to learn about building healthy boundaries as a means of keeping myself safe.

I am a survivor of abuse and I’ve used abused dogs as an analogy many times to give insight behind the walls of a survivor. Imagine how timid a dog is that has been rescued and clearly mistreated. A dog can go years, sometimes forever, afraid of people or certain things/situations, and you are not going to get close if so. You can sense fear all around the dog and it will definitely remain in fight or flight mode, ready to fend or flee. It doesn’t know you! It doesn’t know what you’re capable of, alright! All it knows is what happened before.

Obviously, it’s the same for people. However, we have the intellectual capacity to recognize that in adulthood we have the power of choice. We get to choose who we are now in the present moment. We have the ability to rationalize and understand that we all operate off of our capacities—what we know by what has been modeled for us. Through this acknowledgment, we can ignite the current of forgiveness. We can forgive those that have hurt us or were bad examples. We can choose to develop the tools to honor our worth and protect our hearts—again, through healthy boundaries, not walls. We don’t have to keep our hearts closed, because we have the power to assimilate through self-trust.

I met a man in Bali that I experienced love at first sight with. He was so open emotionally that it was confusing to someone like me that had lived closed off for so long. Naturally, I made him my muse; he inspired the lyrics I wrote above. He mirrored to me at the time, what I wanted to be more like. I wanted to be completely wide open.

Coincidentally he was from Brasil.

Today’s WILD CARD pick is from the Liquid Crystal Oracle deck:

AMAZONITE

(The Middle Road)

Amazonite is derived from the Amazon River in South America.

The color green is associated with the Heart Chakra.

Set an intention to forgive the conditions of yourself and others by lining up with the unconditional. How can you open your heart just a little more, forgive, and grow? Consider how far you’ve come in your life and celebrate the middle road. If negative thoughts creep in, see it as a reflection of your humanity and use that as an opportunity to cut others some slack as well. We are all representations of God and through this understanding, we remain connected to our spiritual selves. Open your heart to see beyond judgments and dichotomies—yes/no, black/white, right/wrong. Allow yourself to see all the colors of life. Be brave enough to tear down walls and learn to live life… wide open.

“…[make] windows where there were once walls.” – Michel Foucault

I’d like to offer—try smiling or saying hi to everyone that walks by, at least for a day. Don’t give with an expectation to receive in return, do so because you are making an effort to open your heart. Trust that when you give love, it will come back to you in some form or another.

 

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What Angels Want Us to Know: Life After Guilt

What Angels Want Us to Know: Life After Guilt

Even when things seem so grim & a realization of so much loss pierces deep within, it is these moments that my angels are there to rescue more than ever. Without fail, the dragonflies come out to swirl around, reminding me I’m not alone.

When I think of the confusing and complicated guilt I experience for being the last one left to stand, I take my evening strolls out to the azul water that is my backyard, siempre in search of peace. The other day while in a dark head space, I thought, maybe my angels actually got the better end of the deal. This world, as beautiful as it is, can be so very painful… at least they are together, in peace. But, just as I was beginning to slip down the rabbit hole, the dragonflies began to dance against the masterpiece of a backdrop, a pink lit sky and blistering ball of solar energy beaming over the water.

As I returned back from my evening with the divine, my best friend that channels had reached out to me. She said my brother, unclear which one, had softly contacted her to send me a message. Just some days before, I had been suffering then as well from a plummeting feeling of feeling lost. I was seriously questioning my own existence in the very scary kinda way. My friend shared with me the message of simple and touching relevancy, that I am ‘right’ and to keep doing what I’m doing. So just when I was feeling the crash that is life with a mood disorder, and or just life… I realized what a blessing it is to have angels intervene when I’m pleading to know if I’m going to be okay. And, how miraculous it is to have that sort of love surrounding me at all times, protecting me, and sending me clarity when the fog moves in. To let me know I am still here for a reason. To let me know that I am indeed shielded by love.

I do have to say, I’m pretty fucking ready to leave this experience behind… that is, the first one-year anniversary of my brother’s death… and basically, all the terrible memories that coexisted with this time last year. As much as my guilt may want to hang onto them, I know to move beyond surviving to thriving is to release the guilt. The present does include pain that has yet to fully heal, so the reality is the past, unfortunately, exists within the present. However, I can stay there, or choose to try to move forward one more step of the way, as the pain stays one step further behind.

What I’ve discovered is the guilt keeps me “safe.” The guilt, the pain, the story… it is all a toxic high that of course is superseded by a crashing low. It’s moving out into the unknown space of joy that is the real work. It has been easier for me to be afraid of more pain so that I stay in my excuse of pain.

I started dating again a few months ago after moving literally and figuratively into new space. I have vaguely shared already that I went through a pretty bad breakup as well this time last year, which naturally was what exacerbated the already gut-wrenching period of mourning. It was the core-shaking, yet illusive experience of love-at-first-sight, in which crashed & crumbled during the time one would presumably need support the most. The truth is though, I had everything I needed & still do. But, those lessons were to be learned in the most hardcore of hours. When you’ve lost that much, it’s kinda like, fuck it… I guess I’m sorta liberated now. Or, so I thought…

As I found myself back on the dating scene and after meeting someone I was actually interested in, I was overwhelmed with vulnerability. Bombarded by a surplus of “what-if’s,” I didn’t know if I was capable of enduring more pain, so instead I would not let myself leave the pain behind. I was bound to it out of survival, without realizing it was keeping me from living my life… it was keeping me from joy. Even as I proclaimed that I wanted otherwise, I was actually avoiding joy by avoiding imagined pain.

I was self-sabotaging because of survivor’s guilt. It’s a difficult thing to articulate, but perhaps it’s as simple as this… I have felt guilty for wanting joy. I felt guilty for believing there could be joy without my brothers in the world. Or, that I owe it to them to stay in the misery of their loss. Which of course, though, this I know… a life full of joy is exactly what my brothers want for me.

To live the life I have left. And if anything, for them, that is the way to truly honor their loss —to live so fiercely & courageously on their behalf.

So today on August 1, it is my brother Patrick’s birthday. This time last year I was thousands of miles away saying my last I love you over the phone, as he was bedridden in the hospital, struggling to speak. A week later after his 33rd birthday, he was gone.

The months that followed thereafter were a nightmare, yes. Those days and nights where I felt like a walking zombie, unsure if I was going to come back to life or not… I really didn’t know if I was gonna make it through. But it is these memories that I must no longer attach to so that I can grow with my brothers in a new way. By putting my hand out to accept a dance with the divine is how I get to experience… the magic of the dragonflies.

And you know, it’s really fucking hard sometimes. It really is, but I have to believe I am still here for a reason and they are not… AND THIS IS OKAY. I have to trust the cards were supposed to be dealt this way, and that yes, at least they are together in peace. A life left full of guilt will never bring them back to physical life…

But the magic that is pure love… will always keep them alive.

A Happy Birthday to my late brother, Chef Patrick

Right Where He Belonged, RIP Chef Patrick & Chef Bourdain